Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
PROOF of The Militant Atheist Agenda!
So I've been hearing a lot from Bill O'Reilly about this Militant Atheist Agenda. You see, Bill is a self-proclaimed "Culture Warrior" and he's not afraid to take on any members of this conspiracy. Apparently, there are these secret societies of atheists that get together in their San Francisco apartments, smoke copious amounts of marijuana, and plan the overthrow of American society. Bill is trying to stop them from achieving this goal. And I, for one, am grateful for that.
Upon hearing about them though, I was obviously shaken, so I decided to do a little investigating of my own. You know, to uncover this secret society and expose them for the Christian-child-corrupting filth that they are.
I went to San Francisco, and after talking to some heroin dealers, I found out where the secret atheist society meets. I got into the meeting by saying the secret militant atheist password, "Science & Reason," which, of course, is code-talk for "Drug Abuse & Chaos." The house they met at looked exactly like any other house in San Francisco, you know, like the house in that shitty Full House show. The only difference is that inside, there were no rooms. It was just one big room with white walls and about a hundred chairs all facing a podium and a table. It took me a minute to see that the table was actually an altar to Charles Darwin, and on the altar was a sacrificed goat. I would have spotted it right away, but the room was so clam-baked that it was hard to see. That wasn't the shocking part though, what was shocking was what I heard.
I sat in the back of the room, trying not to draw attention to myself. The room was filled with fifty or sixty people, and although they didn't look like long-haired hippie slackers, I knew from O’Reilly that they actually were. The man that led the meeting looked like a former NFL linebacker with a goatee and dark, menacing eyes, but he spoke with a clear lisp, so I knew he'd never actually touched a football. His name was Lance, and he began by doing a roll call, and all but a member named Karen responded. (Apparently, she had a poor attendance record and the crowd seemed visibly irritated that she missed yet another meeting.) I was able to duck down behind my metal folding chair during roll call, so they never saw me or asked my name.
They then rose as Lance read various excerpts from The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins and the Communist Manifesto. All atheists are communists, so nobody objected to reading Karl Marx's magnum opus. After about five minutes of this nonsense, they chanted "Hail Dawkins" a few times, passed a marijuana "water bong" around, and then got down to business. Everyone sat back down, and Lance began speaking. I found it hard to stay at first since the room had the sour odor of grungy San Franciscans and pot, but I was able to get used to it after a while.
Lance began by saying with his rather high-pitched, lisping voice, “Ok, good evening everyone, thank you for attending this week’s meeting of the Secret Militant Atheist Club. I’m going to start with a few announcements.” He then went on to say how their militant atheist bake sale was being moved to next Thursday and he hoped it didn’t interfere with anyone’s plans. Then he reminded everyone that this Friday was karaoke night. He also briefly chastised those that didn’t attend last week’s meeting, but he didn’t name any names.
“Ok, now on to the important stuff,” Lance said, “First, we are going to talk about how best to corrupt the wholesome Christian youths in America.” He went on and listed strategies to achieve his goal. They would step up efforts to get drug dealers outside Sunday schools, make sure to present evolution in schools in such a way so that children would naturally sympathize with eugenicists, and distribute atheist and anarchist literature on the insides of candy wrappers. They unanimously agreed that any and all means were acceptable to achieve their goals. This went on for another fifteen minutes or so, and then Lance moved on to a conspiracy that Bill O’Reilly himself was leading the charge against.
Lance said, “Now let’s move on to destroying Christmas this year.” “I knew it,” I thought to myself. Their strategy was simple, make sure nobody could set up religious displays in front of government buildings. They were well aware that if the average American didn’t see a nativity set in front of their local courthouse that they’d call off Christmas for their whole family. It was common knowledge. One female member suggested burning down the giant Christmas tree in Times Square and while they all liked the idea, they decided against it because they’d be caught too easily. They also expressed some outrage that so many Fox News personalities were learning of their crusade against Christmas. “First O’Reilly does an episode on our War on Christmas, then John Gibson writes a book,” Lance said with an angry lisp, “How do they keep finding out?” Nobody had an answer, but they knew that their war would be all for naught if these television personalities kept it up. I couldn’t help but get a warm, sentimental feeling inside about Fox News after hearing that their counterattack in the War on Christmas was working.
The meeting was going exactly as I’d expected, but it seemed so surreal to actually hear these words coming from those that always vehemently denied to the public that such a conspiracy existed.
“Okay, and finally for tonight, it seems that thanks to Ben Stein’s movie Expelled,” Lance was saying, “People are starting to learn that we sympathize with Hitler. What do we plan on doing about that?” In 2008, Ben Stein made a documentary claiming that belief in evolution was a predictor of Nazi behavior. Stein’s wit, research, and well-reasoned arguments cut into the very soul of these San Francisco atheist types. People were now beginning to realize the undeniable truth that all atheists have the capability of becoming Hitler, and that made Lance furious. Lance asked, “How are we supposed to achieve our plan of a Lord-of-The-Flies atheist utopia if we’re publicly associated with Nazis?” A forty-something bald man with glasses stood up and said, “How about we just keep pretending that we don’t like Hitler?” That plan seemed doomed to fail since it wasn’t a plan at all, it was just what they normally did. Still, there was no other option really. “Okay, fine. That’s a pretty half baked idea, but we are all half baked here so I guess that’s what we should expect,” Lance said.
The meeting must have been drawing to a close because I heard the subtle rustle of jackets being picked up off chairs. I thought Lance was done speaking, but his final words shocked me.
Lance said, “Hold on everyone, one final announcement I forgot to make earlier. Next year, membership fees for the Secret Militant Atheist Club will be going up by 10%.” The crowd was annoyed by this and began booing, but Lance went on to say, “Now, now, calm down. We won’t be able to afford our field trip to overthrow the Vatican next year if we don’t get the money some way.”
I couldn’t believe what I’d just heard.
My stomach dropped. That one statement changed what I knew about atheists. I knew they were an American al-Quaeda, but I had never expected to hear this. I was going to have to warn the authorities after this, but it would be tough to convince them because I’d forgotten to take a recorder with me to this meeting. I’d always been a poor planner. They’d probably just dismiss me as a religious kook, but I had to try. I mean, the Vatican? THE VATICAN?! These militant atheists were now getting out of control.
“Okay everyone, we’re done here for this week. Remember to be here next week when we discuss how to destroy marriage.” Lance then led the group in another chanting of “Hail Dawkins” and the meeting came to an end.
On my ride back to the airport, I couldn’t help but feel like I’d been changed. As I made my call to Vatican authorities, I sat back in deep thought. Most of what I’d heard that night I’d already known for a long time, but now I saw the problem the way O’Reilly did. Talking about the War on Christmas in a casual conversation is one thing, but activism is what we need to preserve our fragile American values from the onslaught these people bring. Stand outside your local government offices and demand that they let your religion in, demand they let your religion determine public policy, and demand that these officials never, ever listen to this crazed, fringe San Francisco minority that wants to destroy America. They want nothing more than to turn our children into anarchistic neo-Nazis that commit fellatio in the streets to subsidize their drug habit.
They talk about reason. But need I remind you that some of the worst, most horrible, most atrocious societies in the history of mankind were also the most reasonable?
Upon hearing about them though, I was obviously shaken, so I decided to do a little investigating of my own. You know, to uncover this secret society and expose them for the Christian-child-corrupting filth that they are.
I went to San Francisco, and after talking to some heroin dealers, I found out where the secret atheist society meets. I got into the meeting by saying the secret militant atheist password, "Science & Reason," which, of course, is code-talk for "Drug Abuse & Chaos." The house they met at looked exactly like any other house in San Francisco, you know, like the house in that shitty Full House show. The only difference is that inside, there were no rooms. It was just one big room with white walls and about a hundred chairs all facing a podium and a table. It took me a minute to see that the table was actually an altar to Charles Darwin, and on the altar was a sacrificed goat. I would have spotted it right away, but the room was so clam-baked that it was hard to see. That wasn't the shocking part though, what was shocking was what I heard.
I sat in the back of the room, trying not to draw attention to myself. The room was filled with fifty or sixty people, and although they didn't look like long-haired hippie slackers, I knew from O’Reilly that they actually were. The man that led the meeting looked like a former NFL linebacker with a goatee and dark, menacing eyes, but he spoke with a clear lisp, so I knew he'd never actually touched a football. His name was Lance, and he began by doing a roll call, and all but a member named Karen responded. (Apparently, she had a poor attendance record and the crowd seemed visibly irritated that she missed yet another meeting.) I was able to duck down behind my metal folding chair during roll call, so they never saw me or asked my name.
They then rose as Lance read various excerpts from The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins and the Communist Manifesto. All atheists are communists, so nobody objected to reading Karl Marx's magnum opus. After about five minutes of this nonsense, they chanted "Hail Dawkins" a few times, passed a marijuana "water bong" around, and then got down to business. Everyone sat back down, and Lance began speaking. I found it hard to stay at first since the room had the sour odor of grungy San Franciscans and pot, but I was able to get used to it after a while.
Lance began by saying with his rather high-pitched, lisping voice, “Ok, good evening everyone, thank you for attending this week’s meeting of the Secret Militant Atheist Club. I’m going to start with a few announcements.” He then went on to say how their militant atheist bake sale was being moved to next Thursday and he hoped it didn’t interfere with anyone’s plans. Then he reminded everyone that this Friday was karaoke night. He also briefly chastised those that didn’t attend last week’s meeting, but he didn’t name any names.
“Ok, now on to the important stuff,” Lance said, “First, we are going to talk about how best to corrupt the wholesome Christian youths in America.” He went on and listed strategies to achieve his goal. They would step up efforts to get drug dealers outside Sunday schools, make sure to present evolution in schools in such a way so that children would naturally sympathize with eugenicists, and distribute atheist and anarchist literature on the insides of candy wrappers. They unanimously agreed that any and all means were acceptable to achieve their goals. This went on for another fifteen minutes or so, and then Lance moved on to a conspiracy that Bill O’Reilly himself was leading the charge against.
Lance said, “Now let’s move on to destroying Christmas this year.” “I knew it,” I thought to myself. Their strategy was simple, make sure nobody could set up religious displays in front of government buildings. They were well aware that if the average American didn’t see a nativity set in front of their local courthouse that they’d call off Christmas for their whole family. It was common knowledge. One female member suggested burning down the giant Christmas tree in Times Square and while they all liked the idea, they decided against it because they’d be caught too easily. They also expressed some outrage that so many Fox News personalities were learning of their crusade against Christmas. “First O’Reilly does an episode on our War on Christmas, then John Gibson writes a book,” Lance said with an angry lisp, “How do they keep finding out?” Nobody had an answer, but they knew that their war would be all for naught if these television personalities kept it up. I couldn’t help but get a warm, sentimental feeling inside about Fox News after hearing that their counterattack in the War on Christmas was working.
The meeting was going exactly as I’d expected, but it seemed so surreal to actually hear these words coming from those that always vehemently denied to the public that such a conspiracy existed.
“Okay, and finally for tonight, it seems that thanks to Ben Stein’s movie Expelled,” Lance was saying, “People are starting to learn that we sympathize with Hitler. What do we plan on doing about that?” In 2008, Ben Stein made a documentary claiming that belief in evolution was a predictor of Nazi behavior. Stein’s wit, research, and well-reasoned arguments cut into the very soul of these San Francisco atheist types. People were now beginning to realize the undeniable truth that all atheists have the capability of becoming Hitler, and that made Lance furious. Lance asked, “How are we supposed to achieve our plan of a Lord-of-The-Flies atheist utopia if we’re publicly associated with Nazis?” A forty-something bald man with glasses stood up and said, “How about we just keep pretending that we don’t like Hitler?” That plan seemed doomed to fail since it wasn’t a plan at all, it was just what they normally did. Still, there was no other option really. “Okay, fine. That’s a pretty half baked idea, but we are all half baked here so I guess that’s what we should expect,” Lance said.
The meeting must have been drawing to a close because I heard the subtle rustle of jackets being picked up off chairs. I thought Lance was done speaking, but his final words shocked me.
Lance said, “Hold on everyone, one final announcement I forgot to make earlier. Next year, membership fees for the Secret Militant Atheist Club will be going up by 10%.” The crowd was annoyed by this and began booing, but Lance went on to say, “Now, now, calm down. We won’t be able to afford our field trip to overthrow the Vatican next year if we don’t get the money some way.”
I couldn’t believe what I’d just heard.
My stomach dropped. That one statement changed what I knew about atheists. I knew they were an American al-Quaeda, but I had never expected to hear this. I was going to have to warn the authorities after this, but it would be tough to convince them because I’d forgotten to take a recorder with me to this meeting. I’d always been a poor planner. They’d probably just dismiss me as a religious kook, but I had to try. I mean, the Vatican? THE VATICAN?! These militant atheists were now getting out of control.
“Okay everyone, we’re done here for this week. Remember to be here next week when we discuss how to destroy marriage.” Lance then led the group in another chanting of “Hail Dawkins” and the meeting came to an end.
On my ride back to the airport, I couldn’t help but feel like I’d been changed. As I made my call to Vatican authorities, I sat back in deep thought. Most of what I’d heard that night I’d already known for a long time, but now I saw the problem the way O’Reilly did. Talking about the War on Christmas in a casual conversation is one thing, but activism is what we need to preserve our fragile American values from the onslaught these people bring. Stand outside your local government offices and demand that they let your religion in, demand they let your religion determine public policy, and demand that these officials never, ever listen to this crazed, fringe San Francisco minority that wants to destroy America. They want nothing more than to turn our children into anarchistic neo-Nazis that commit fellatio in the streets to subsidize their drug habit.
They talk about reason. But need I remind you that some of the worst, most horrible, most atrocious societies in the history of mankind were also the most reasonable?
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
It's Time for Religion to Embrace Reason
During the first Republican Presidential Debate last year, a simple question was posed to the ten candidates, “Does anybody [on stage] not believe in evolution?” Surprisingly, three of the candidates raised their hands. This brief episode illustrated a disturbing trend in our nation: The belief that faith is more important than reason. “I don’t care what the science says, The Bible says this,” has become a credo, almost an affirmation of faith, among certain religious groups.
NIU is no exception when it comes to this type of irrational thought. I have run into numerous people on campus that have still not accepted evolution. One of the keys to intellectual advancement in college, as well as life, is an ability to objectively evaluate evidence and arrive at conclusions consistent with that evidence. We must also be willing to challenge previously held beliefs in light of new evidence. Fundamentalist religion impedes these basic principles. It’s time that strongly religious people realized this. Much of what religious texts say is allegorical, so they should not be taken literally. There are some important lessons that can be learned from The Bible, but the origin of species isn't one of them. Reading The Bible and believing that the Genesis creation stories are true is akin to reading Animal Farm and believing that animals can talk; it completely misses the point.
If there is a God, and this God gave us the ability to use science, the greatest tool we have for understanding the world, then why wouldn’t He want us to accept its findings? Why would He want us to rely instead on superstition and emotion? He wouldn’t.
Regardless of what flavor of religion you follow, reason is not something to be feared. You should turn to religion if you feel it answers the question of why we are here, but we should all rely on reason to find out how we got here. Evolution is a truth, and there are many more truths that can be discovered if you just liberate your mind from the chains of extreme religion.
NIU is no exception when it comes to this type of irrational thought. I have run into numerous people on campus that have still not accepted evolution. One of the keys to intellectual advancement in college, as well as life, is an ability to objectively evaluate evidence and arrive at conclusions consistent with that evidence. We must also be willing to challenge previously held beliefs in light of new evidence. Fundamentalist religion impedes these basic principles. It’s time that strongly religious people realized this. Much of what religious texts say is allegorical, so they should not be taken literally. There are some important lessons that can be learned from The Bible, but the origin of species isn't one of them. Reading The Bible and believing that the Genesis creation stories are true is akin to reading Animal Farm and believing that animals can talk; it completely misses the point.
If there is a God, and this God gave us the ability to use science, the greatest tool we have for understanding the world, then why wouldn’t He want us to accept its findings? Why would He want us to rely instead on superstition and emotion? He wouldn’t.
Regardless of what flavor of religion you follow, reason is not something to be feared. You should turn to religion if you feel it answers the question of why we are here, but we should all rely on reason to find out how we got here. Evolution is a truth, and there are many more truths that can be discovered if you just liberate your mind from the chains of extreme religion.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Why Politicians Make Dumb Public Policy Decisions
I kind of wince whenever I hear the average politician talk about economics. Both sides of the aisle tell us how we have to keep jobs here, we have to produce here, trade is bad, oil companies are gouging us, and that the economy is doing terrible. Well Bryan Caplan, an economics professor at George Mason University, says that politicians are pandering to our irrational sides. If you take the average voter, you'll find that they don't disagree with much of what I said in the second sentence. Caplan says the average voter has four biases:
1.) An Anti-market bias: The average voter doesn't understand what supply and demand truly is, so they will support policies that interfere with the market.
2.) An Anti-foreign bias: The average voter believes that foreign trade hurts America, and will support tariffs and protectionism.
3.) A Make-work bias: The average voter believes that employment is more important than production.
4.) A Pessimistic bias: The average voter often believes the economy is doing worse than it really is.
The politician I've heard echo these biases the most is none other than Illinois' wonderful senator Dick Durbin. Not only does he support "price gouging legislation" (a practice that only exists in Democrats' minds), but he says that outsourcing is hurting American workers. The lack of any evidence of price gouging by oil companies and that whole low 4.6% unemployment rate thing don't shake Durbin from his stances at all.
Durbin exemplifies the stupid, pandering politician. He doesn't even attempt to understand the methodology behind outsourcing or gas prices. Instead, this liberal-populist curses them.
If you think these biases are limited to the left in this country, you'd be mistaken. I don't know what happened to conservatives in this country, but somehow they've gone from supporting small government and questioning the government's motives, to being flag waving super-patriots. All you hear them say is, "We should buy AMERICAN!" and "Immigrant workers are taking our jobs!"
Liberalism and conservatism are dead in this country, they've been replaced by different flavors of populism, and it's sad.
Here's a word of advice to anyone who disagrees with this; instead of getting mad at what I said, try to understand the economic principles behind the moves that those bloody evil corporations make. Instead of calling their decisions conspiracies, do the math. Instead of saying the economy is doing bad, look at the data out there. We may well be heading towards a recession, but it has nothing to do with trade, gas prices, outsourcing, or corporations. What I'm trying to say is don't rely on "common sense" so much. As Einstein said, "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."
For more on this subject, follow this link: http://www.economist.com/world/na/displaystory.cfm?story_id=9340166
1.) An Anti-market bias: The average voter doesn't understand what supply and demand truly is, so they will support policies that interfere with the market.
2.) An Anti-foreign bias: The average voter believes that foreign trade hurts America, and will support tariffs and protectionism.
3.) A Make-work bias: The average voter believes that employment is more important than production.
4.) A Pessimistic bias: The average voter often believes the economy is doing worse than it really is.
The politician I've heard echo these biases the most is none other than Illinois' wonderful senator Dick Durbin. Not only does he support "price gouging legislation" (a practice that only exists in Democrats' minds), but he says that outsourcing is hurting American workers. The lack of any evidence of price gouging by oil companies and that whole low 4.6% unemployment rate thing don't shake Durbin from his stances at all.
Durbin exemplifies the stupid, pandering politician. He doesn't even attempt to understand the methodology behind outsourcing or gas prices. Instead, this liberal-populist curses them.
If you think these biases are limited to the left in this country, you'd be mistaken. I don't know what happened to conservatives in this country, but somehow they've gone from supporting small government and questioning the government's motives, to being flag waving super-patriots. All you hear them say is, "We should buy AMERICAN!" and "Immigrant workers are taking our jobs!"
Liberalism and conservatism are dead in this country, they've been replaced by different flavors of populism, and it's sad.
Here's a word of advice to anyone who disagrees with this; instead of getting mad at what I said, try to understand the economic principles behind the moves that those bloody evil corporations make. Instead of calling their decisions conspiracies, do the math. Instead of saying the economy is doing bad, look at the data out there. We may well be heading towards a recession, but it has nothing to do with trade, gas prices, outsourcing, or corporations. What I'm trying to say is don't rely on "common sense" so much. As Einstein said, "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."
For more on this subject, follow this link: http://www.economist.com/world/na/displaystory.cfm?story_id=9340166
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Well, here it is...
I'm bored at work right now so I thought, "What the hell? Why not start a blog?" The rest is history, I suppose. This blog is gonna cover (real) news and give opinions. I may try to recruit some more bloggers (about three other people come to mind) so there will be some diversity of viewpoints and more news covered. Any stuff I cover is gonna have a libertarian spin to it, so I'm making my biases known. I'll give my take on important news stories and curse stupidity, but I'll avoid pointless celebrity news and stuff like that. Unless, of course, I want to rip on the media for covering pointless news. In which case, all is fair game. I'll get more of this running once I get done with work and back to my Mac at home. I'm using a Windoze computer right now, so I need to wrap this up because it's only a matter of time until it crashes. This is the place you should come for news though. Seriously. Do it.
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